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24 February 2009 @ 02:51 pm
Remembering Grandma  
Today would have been my Grandma's 95th birthday but sadly she did not live to see it. =( She passed away in 1997 after a very lengthy battle with Alzheimer's disease. I had a very strong bond with my Grandma, the two of us did all sorts of things together. She'd even take me to McDonald's and get a Happy Meal with me! Unfortunately those times were cut short after my Grandpa decided he couldn't take living here any more and wanted to move down south. A few years after they had moved my Grandma suffered a severe fall and things began to subtley change. I'm not sure if the fall triggered the Alzheimer's but she was never the same afterwards.

They ended up moving back near us some years later and by that time she was beginning to really show signs of the dread to come. She would ask the same questions over & over, forget where she lived, acuse my Grandpa of having an affair and pack up her things on a daily basis. It finally reached the point where my Grandpa could no longer manage her care so she had to be placed in a nursing home (that was the worst thing that could've ever been done to her). She went downhill very swiftly after going there, and before too long she did not remember any of us and had to be tied to her chair and bed. It was so traumatic going to visit her, I finally had to stop. I have never gotten over the guilt and the kinds of horrors that I witnessed in watching her go from a vibrant, intelligent person to a mere shell with a blank stare and no light behind her eyes. :`(

When she finally did pass away, as awful as this sounds, it was a blessing and a relief. For anyone who has experienced a loved one go through that, I know you can relate. I loved her so very much and still miss having her in my life, especially our trips to McDonald's, just the two of us. I truly feel robbed and will never be a complete person because I didn't get to have her influence in my life for a longer time. My other Grandparents don't even speak to my family and never stepped up when I was younger, but I won't get into that now. I just wish my Grandma was still here. To anyone lucky enough to have one or two, treasure them while they are on this earth. Even if things get hard or frustrating, cherish their presence and wisdom because when they are gone, it leaves a tremendous void.

Maia the Owlsie: Helena Bonham Carter - faithmiss_nightowl on February 24th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
I rather know how you feel... I lost one of my granmothers only a month ago.
Kristin: HP- Sirius & Lupinkristypadalecki on February 24th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, it's suck a terrible loss. *hugs*
Maia the Owlsie: Helena Bonham Carter - faithmiss_nightowl on February 25th, 2009 08:11 am (UTC)
Thanks. My mother says it´s important to remember her as she was before she got sick. Hope you will do the same with your gran.
*hugs back*
Kristin: David- Heartkristypadalecki on February 25th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
Yes, I do try to remember her that way. It was hard yesterday because it happened to be her birthday.
Alisamessageinbottle on February 24th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
Kristin: Emma Watsonkristypadalecki on February 24th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
sane_psycho02: Davy guitarsane_psycho02 on February 24th, 2009 09:11 pm (UTC)
I know exactly how you feel. My gramma passed away almost 3 months ago. She was the only grandparent I knew my whole life, but I loved her more like she was my mother. Your Mcdonald's trips with your's remind me of when I was little, and I'd go out to breakfast with mine to meet her friends. I cherish those times, and countless others like them.

My gramma also fell and hit her head about 2 years ago. After that, she too wasn't quite the same. Her mental capacity slowly started deteriorating, and I too have to wonder if there was a connection. She was diagnosed with cancer last October, and the complications from that is what ultimately caused her passing over a month later. Between her declining health from the cancer, and her worsening mental state, it was indescribably hard to watch her suffer. She wasn't the strong-willed, smart, lively woman she was before. So I can relate exactly to how you felt when your's passed on. It brings some comfort to know she is out of suffering now, though I miss her more than I can even describe. But I'm so grateful for all the time I did get to spend with her.

When you say it leaves a tremendous void, I know all too well how that feels. I'm so sorry you didn't have your grandma in your life for a longer time, and that you had to watch her suffer through all that. I know that words can't really help, but just know that you have a friend who's here for you, and knows all about your pain.
Kristin: Davykristypadalecki on February 24th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your Grandma's story with me. I have found a great comfort, support and understanding friend in you! I'm truly grateful that we connected through LJ, it means alot. I'm so glad you got to spend so much time with your Grandma and I do treasure every moment I did share with mine. *hugs*
sane_psycho02: Davy guitarsane_psycho02 on February 28th, 2009 06:47 am (UTC)
I have found a great friend in you as well. I'm so glad we connected on here, too.
Kristin: The Monkeeskristypadalecki on February 28th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks, that means a lot! <3
marys_angel: cute dogmarys_angel on February 27th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
I'm so so sorry! I really know how you feel! My grandmother raised me up. She was my everything. When she started to get ill I don't wanted to believe it. But it was getting worse and worse. And then she was not able to wash herself or go to the toilette. So my mum and I took care of her. And then one morning when I tried to wake her up she did not open her eyes... she was gone. Without saying goodbye. I know she wanted to go. She was in lot of pain and most of the time she didn't know what's going on around her. But I still can't believe it. This happened 9 years ago and I still can't believe that she is gone!

I would give everything just to talk to her only one more time.

I miss her so much...

I know what you mean by a blessing and a relief. I felt the same, because at the end she was not the person I knew my whole life. She was just a shadow of the person she used to be. But I still feel guilty. Maybe I took not enough care of her. Maybe I should have done more... Maybe I should have tried harder to make her feel comfortable...

I'm sure your grandmother is proud of you! You're such a wonderful person. And your love for her will keep her close to you forever.
I've found a wonderful poem for my granny and posted it today to celebrate her birthday. This is it:

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Would you mind if I add you to my f-list on my sweetgirl7808 lj? I only use marys_angel for my arts. But on the other lj I also check my f-list. And I would really wanna stay in touch with you.
Kristin: Stock- Flowerskristypadalecki on February 27th, 2009 09:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, and that beautiful poem, it was very thoughtful of you. *hugs tight* I'm sorry about your Grandma too, I had no idea she'd passed away when I commented on your journal! *facepalm*

It would be a tremendous honor if you'd like to add me to your f-list, I've already added you on my end. =) I hope we can get to know each other better, you are a wonderful person yourself.
Manu: angelic dogsweetgirl7808 on February 28th, 2009 05:09 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly*

Don't worry, I loved your comment! You wrote "I hope your Grandma has a wonderful birthday!" and that made me smile. 'Cause I really hope she had a wonderful birthday, wherever she is. At least I try to believe she is still somewhere out there.
So thanks a lot for making me smile! ♥

I'm totally looking forward to get to know you better. Thanks a lot for adding me. I've added you now! ;o)

Kristin: Dogs- Retriever Puppykristypadalecki on February 28th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I was able to make you smile! *hug* I have to believe our loved ones are still around, watching over us. I especially hope wherever they are that they are free of pain and full of content & happiness. =)

Thanks again for wanting to friend me, I hope we get to know each other more! LJ is such a wonderful way to bring people together, I wish I had joined up sooner.
ckll: pic#samsadckll on February 25th, 2010 04:42 am (UTC)
(hugs tight)
I know that your grandma was living into a nightmare for her and for others, now she rests in peace and i'm sure she's watching over you :)
(hugs tight)
Kristin: Jared | Fangoria '08kristypadalecki on February 25th, 2010 05:51 am (UTC)
Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot. *hugs back*